If Father Christmas’s Reindeer Were Cars - What Would They Be? Back
Written by The FoW Team on 16 Dec 2016
‘Santa’s reindeer get the sack’, the billboard read.
Well, it was such a weird, totally out-of-the-box thought, that the words stopped me in my tracks, and, for the first time in as long as I could remember, I had to buy the newspaper to see what it was all about.
So I held the paper out in front of me, and read the Lapland Gazette’s story, proudly wearing an ‘Exclusive’ tag: ‘With an ever-growing number of children to visit every Christmas Eve, Father Christmas has decided to replace Rudolph and his colleagues with a shiny new fleet of modern cars.
“I was passing over the Cheshire countryside on my way back from nipping out for a few bits of shopping for Mrs Claus - she likes passing a few hours looking around Winsford Cross, and it’s great that I can park the sleigh there for free - and as I took off to head back home, I couldn’t help but notice row upon row of shiny cars neatly parked up,” he told the Lapland Gazette.
“They looked so inviting, I immediately swooped down to take a closer look.”
Transport For All Seasons
“My Santa-nav told me that where I was about to land was called Fords of Winsford.
As I gazed on the lines of beautifully-presented cars, I suddenly realised this was the answer to all my present-delivering problems. ‘I’ll get myself and all my elves a fleet of cars, it’ll make our jobs so much easier,’” he said.
“After all, they’re bound to be easier than my old transport - have you ever tried parking a sleigh on Christmas Eve in a busy city centre? And don’t get me started on parking charges, especially when you have to pay for 11 spaces - one for each of the reindeer and a couple more for that huge sleigh.
“And no disrespect to my faithful old reindeer, but flying across six continents at full pelt needs a lot of fuel - and, well, it all has to come out somewhere, and let me tell you, shovelling up all that reindeer poo is no fun.
“So that got me thinking about emissions, and I know that, these days, you can buy loads of cars which are a lot more friendly to the planet than they used to be.
“I even saw on the Fords of Winsford website that all their cars were listed with details of their official fuel consumption and CO2 emissions figures, so that made it easier for me to choose which car I wanted as a direct replacement for each of my reindeer.
“You wouldn’t believe the difference it’s made to my job,” said a clearly delighted Mr Christmas.
Fast Forward A Couple of Months…
In a world exclusive, the man in the big red suit gave me a behind-the-scenes look at his Lapland HQ.
Where before were lines of well-kept wooden stables is now a neat row of individual garages. If you look above the doors, each one is labelled with the name of one of Father Christmas’s reindeer. It seems some old traditions really don’t die, and as the man himself told us, he decided to keep the names on display “for old times’ sake.“
He then told me how he had spent a couple of hours one evening curled up with a hot chocolate and his laptop, browsing the Fords of Winsford website, and decided that he’d try to find a car to replace each of his reindeer which reflected a little of their personality, as well as their role within his gift haulage team. And he let me have a confidential peek at the list he’d drawn up, after checking out and comparing the 1,800 or so cars on there.
“With so many to choose from, I knew I’d be able to find a car which matched the personalities of each of my old deer friends and helpers - and of course, with the help of their friendly reception staff and sales team, I was found just what I was looking for.”
1. Dasher - Audi TT
The whizz-kid of the team (literally), Santa knew it would have to be something which would eat up the miles with ease, yet was sleek and sporty. So an Audi TT fitted the bill here. What Car? even called it “one of the best coupes ever made.”
2. Dancer - Mazda MX-5 Roadster
Light on his hooves, and the deer with all the right moves, it had to be something compact yet nippy for this boy. After all, he has to be able to keep up with Dasher up there near the front. That’s why his boss plumped for a Mazda MX-5 Roadster - and the folding roof comes in handy for fitting in his antlers! His choice was swayed by Honest John, who said “on a hot, bright summer’s day this compact, nimble little sports car feels genuinely special.”
3. Prancer - Volkswagen Polo
He’s another nimble mover, but he’s happy to play a supporting role to the boys up front, knowing that his turn of speed is helping the team get all those presents delivered on time. When he’s off-duty, he likes nothing more than scooting around in something which suits his horse-inspired name. After we persuaded him that a car from the ‘prancing horse’, aka Ferrari, was a bit outside the budget, he settled instead for a VW Polo - after all, it’s the only sport you play on horseback. And when he saw what Carbuyer.co.uk had to say about the comfortable, spacious interior, that swung it for him.
4. Vixen - Volkswagen Up!
The only lady reindeer in the herd, Vixen’s transport had to be something she could whizz easily around town in to get her to all those lunches with the girls. It had to be easy to park, but also plenty of fun to drive. It was a close-run thing, but in the end, the Volkswagen Up! beat its group stablemate, the SEAT Mii, by a short nose. That could have been something to do with a Car magazine long-term test which praised the Up! As “a cracking little drive, surprisingly practical, and a high-quality product.”
5. Comet - Toyota RAV-4
He thinks he’s ‘out of this world’, so that called for a car with similar lofty view of things, and which gets the attention. And because he’s used to looking down on everyone, his first choice was a Toyota RAV-4, which offers a great, high driving position. Auto Express’s reviewers rather like it, saying: “If you want a car that’s easy to own, look no further.” And that’s likely to appeal to Comet, who’s got lots of higher things to think about than when he has to pick the car up from the garage.
6. Cupid - SEAT Leon
As his name implies, this deer is a lover of all things beautiful. Looks are a big deal to him, which explains why his garage door has to open on something sleek and eye-catching. But he’s also a family deer, and needs room to transport his clutch of fawns in plenty of comfort. Little combines these two virtues better than a SEAT Leon, which as well as having plenty of interior space, made a list of Carbuyer.co.uk best-looking cars you can buy.
7. Donner - BMW 3 Series Sport
His name, which means ‘thunder’ in German, gives away this reindeer’s roots. So like plenty of British buyers, he appreciates the engineering of his native country’s car-makers. It’s no surprise, then, that he narrowed down his choice to a BMW 3 Series Sport, especially after reading the experts from Parkers’ verdict, which said: “The BMW [is] a class act; the steering has pin-point accuracy and is beautifully weighted.”
8. Blitzen - Honda Civic
‘Thunder’s’ best buddy and soulmate, ‘Lightning’ is seldom seen, but when he is, he leaves a lasting impression. And his new wheels, a Honda Civic, reflect that. It’s a compact, sporty car whose low-slung looks give it a passing resemblance to a road-going missile. Even though the first Civic of the current design was released way back in 2006, the design is still “unlike anything else on the road”, according to Honest John; just right for a cervid who specialises in surprise.
9. Rudolph - Lexus GS
He never feels the cold, thanks to that bright red nose, but when he’s not on delivery duty. Rudolph told us he wanted something which would let him relax in comfort. He’s so used to leading the way when he’s on duty, that he prefers to be chauffeured around when he isn’t on call. That’s why he went for a Lexus GS, with its full LED headlights. It’s also described by What Car? as “the most refined car in its class”. After all those years of being the leader of the pack, he just enjoys relaxing in the back, where he doesn’t get recognised quite as often - until he gets out, that is.
There you have it - nine individual customers, each with their particular needs and personalities which they wanted to be reflected in their new cars. And, just like the tens of thousands of real people who visit us every year, at Fords of Winsford, we took our time to find them the perfect fit.
Of course, this is all a bit of fun, but it goes to show that, however individual your needs are from your next car, you’ll get all the ‘i-deers’ you need to track it down at Fords of Winsford’s two sites, in Winsford and Trafford.